Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

You don’t see great advertising like this anymore

My birthstone is pecan pie.

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

*jingles half the way*

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.

Before crowbars crows drank alone

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.