I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
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My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
I’m being attacked 😭
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
*cough*
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.