Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

founder of costco: [drunk as hell] it’s gonna have hot dogs and optometrists

White Castle for the Win

Genius.

Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*

Me *giddy* I take their breath away!

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

He’s cranky this morning

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?

Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?

Her: He’s a paramedic.