Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

I cannot call her anything else now

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.

apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

Me: What fresh hell is this?

Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!

One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”

Ah yes. The three genders

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide