I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
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[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
britain’s three elite institutions
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga