Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….

-history

🤣

The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production

“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.

I was up all night reading about insomnia

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.

Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]

Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.

Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.

Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean