Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

mandolin: finally a violin for men

Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice

Me: *Asks question on snapchat*

Them: *Answers question on snapchat*

Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

Beware of fowl play.

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️

they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.