I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
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The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Omg 🤣
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!