I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
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“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
If you had more money you’d be happier.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
i’m sure it’s fine
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*