I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
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that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more