I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
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Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.