I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
You Might Also Like
I bet birds love this building.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
kids play hide and seek like
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email