Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣

🤣🤣

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich

🏠

Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?

Dear scientists,

We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”