I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
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“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”