I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay![]()
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Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
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“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
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As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.