I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
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As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
(Electricians.)
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks