I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
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Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.