I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
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If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY