I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
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Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.