I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
You Might Also Like
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
when she block me on everything
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
shut up and take my money
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine