Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

everyone’s a critic

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

“Why yes, that scale is accurate”

A collection of horror stories

Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.

Aaaa…CHOO!

Always the camel, never the toe.

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.