I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
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Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
True story 🤣
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.