Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!

me: well, where did you have it last?

4: outside

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

HER: I’ve missed you so badly.

ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host

Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.

Me: OK, so my parents met in university…

T: No I mean the start of your problems.

M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider