Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this

Inventor: Suuure

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.

The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants

Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.

I need this for my side hustle.

sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

Truth

I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets