I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
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Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.