Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally

The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”

– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”

My fingers.

“No, like… Are you pinching me??”

GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.