I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
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Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
You can’t outrun your problems…
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
That time Alicia messaged me
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked