I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
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If you leave your cart in the middle of the aisle while you go get something, I feel like it’s ok to run you over with said cart.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Tapped in
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows