Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.

Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!

David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.

Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.

Godspeed, John Glenn

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

reviewed some movies recently