Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)

Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.

9: You were alive back then?

Magician: Is this your card?!

Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with

Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800

I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.

me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free

wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?

me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you

Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”

My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.

Free him

“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*

I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat