Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]

BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.

Fights fire with marshmallows

they see me scrollin

me: turtles stole my pizza today

therapist: interesting

me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas

therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?

That stupid look on my face, is my face

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.

I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.

My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.