Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.

Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle

The jungle: please stop bringing people here

i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either

Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.

*Watching Friday the 13th VII*

GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?

Me: Yeah.

GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

7: are eggs vegetables?

10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!

[at airport Subway]

One footlong before my flight to Zurich

“American or Swiss?”

I’m flying Swiss

“I mean for cheese?”

No, for business

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

Save a reindeer.

Ride a Canadian.

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”

I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.