I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
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*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
When someone trying to leave me
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly