Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

[Toddler 911]

911: what’s your emergency?

Son: it’s naptime.

911: have you tried stalling?

Son: I asked for water.

911: and your favorite stuffed animal?

Son: yep.

911: that toy you shoved under the couch?

Son: they don’t know where that’s at.

911: perfect. ask for that.

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.

Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.

Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

[Life after lockdown]

My Hairstylist: WTF

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

…u ok Nintendo?

If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial