I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
😂😂😂
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Every time my phone rings
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?