Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING

When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.

Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.

My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”

Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.

If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.