“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
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Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.