I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
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One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Pickled cat.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Rambo Rambow
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.