Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”

When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.

It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*

I’ll definitely check it out.

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS

1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.

so u have kids?

yes a bunch of them

that’s great, any hobbies?

I don’t understand the question

“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”

Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.