Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

[on a Ferris wheel]

Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding

I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

me: *barges into the room*

How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Thursday

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.

moderator: your word is “impatient”

sloth: can you use it

moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

sloth: in a

moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

sloth: oh great thank you

moderator: what the

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.