I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
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My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Howl 😭
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.