Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma

They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

Once a lap dog, always a lap dog

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”

If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know

My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems

What I hear: better have the whole bottle then

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close