Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

The 4 stages of a family vacation

8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.

me: oh wow ok…

8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.

me: nice, what about me?

8yo: you get eaten.

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

*goes back in time

*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know

Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.

can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?

Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?

Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!

scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?

me: i’ll give it a go

scientist: but you were just here yesterday

me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

“This just in..”

My foot to my mouth.

Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle

Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”

You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

new shirt idea