Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too

Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally

I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

[spelling bee]

Your word: Spelunking

“U-N-K-I-N-G”

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.