I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
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[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.