I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
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Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
My plans: 2020:
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Dietest Coke
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?