I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
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Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
When you kidnap a writer.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that