I’ve named my couch American Idle.
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5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Happy Febuary everyone!
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Autocorrect completely socks
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.