I’ve named my couch American Idle.
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My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies