I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?
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date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Shortcut
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
