Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

Jesus steals the winter solstice

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

“Damn girl, you look hot”

Really?

“Like a sexy little italian car”

DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

[tattoo parlor]

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“

“Wisks!”

“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!