Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?

Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.

Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.

Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower

People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…

I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]

Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING

I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…

It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.