Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

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My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

-commercial for business cards

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

long lost

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off