Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”

If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars