I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
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2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I need to get some bricks…
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist