I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
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It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
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Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable