Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

* Gets fired *

Well….my job is done here.

Inside me, there are two wolves and neither one of them knows what to make for dinner.

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.

Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.

Me: They’re right.

*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

ethics professor: ur failing my class

me: [slides over $20] how about now

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

Wedding planning is organized crime.

ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

The A string on my guit_r is flat

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

So many pants.
So little yoga.

🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣

Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.