I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
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why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.