Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.

Candid photo of me, eating chips.

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

Me: *hits snooze on alarm

Life: *sets off smoke detector

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal

*calls in the SWAT team*

cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys

Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine

You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

Noah could only fish twice.

Why?

He only had two worms.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.