I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
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Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.