I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
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Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
No laws when master is gone
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
I came this close!!!!
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.