Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.

me: [typing] donkey kong

fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it

me: donkey kong no tie

fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?

My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.

Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*

I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”

“Have you checked the chandelier?”

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.