Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: like this 🙏

Her: What’s with the microscope?

Me: Looking for my comfort zone.

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations

She said “stay up, imma call you”.

i’ve been awake for 4 days

Good morning

I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks