Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am

I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?

Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!

Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?

Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved

911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.

Me: You said pick the kids up

Wife: OUR KIDS

Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.