Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants

How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”

“Eels?”

“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

What number SPF blocks people?

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed

Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.