Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

Fool me once shame on you

Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.