I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
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I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.