Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

18 is TOO young to get married!

You can’t even buy booze at 18!

If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

Math at Halloween.

The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

Welcome to your fifties…

AT 10PM WE SLEEP

AT DAWN WE PEE

Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock

seems fine

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

!!!!!!!!!!!

I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛

goldiesglobe

Don’t talk down to me