Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating Profile:

List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.

Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

friend saw this guy on the apps lol

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.