Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.

She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here

She does not

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble

[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.