I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
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“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
How times have changed.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.