I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
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“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
