Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”

When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.

4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

I’m ready for Halloween this year

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.