Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

Alexa, make out with the Roomba

I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

are there any atheist mantises?

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.

Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.

Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job

All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…