Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

Look, I respect the skill. But no.

Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first