I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
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Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
wtf management?!
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks